So my cousin, Erica is in town this weekend, visiting from Oakland - our first official house guest. Unfortunately for her we aren't fully moved in and our sofa bed doesn't arrive until the day after she leaves, so she is occupying an air mattress next to the problem boxes in our tiny living room and being a trooper about it. Actually, she has been a trooper all weekend. Between the near constant rain and the madness of Coney Island, she has had a smile on her face through it all. I, on the other hand, spent the better part of Saturday kicking myself for returning to Coney Island. I clearly learned nothing from our first experience there.
Mike had his sights set on attending the annual Mermaid Parade there, which is a complete spectacle of all things under the sea and/or completely odd. People dress up as sea creatures and mermaids or whatever they feel like, which in many cases was garbage (shrugging) and there is a lot of flesh exposed that was never meant to see the light of day. I am talking to you, guy in the day-glo Borat over the shoulder thong onesie with the dimply bum. (Shuddering). Anyway, we knew it was meant to rain that day, but for some reason still thought it would be worth the trek. Again, did I learn nothing from my last bad weather related Coney Island trip? I mean is there really anything more depressing than a carnival in the rain? Carnies huddled in the ring toss booth trying to stay dry. Empty rides and discarded snow cone cups strewn on the ground. Bad pop music blaring out of cheap speakers for no one in particular. I should have taken it as an omen when the D train whistled loudly like a tea pot the entire 45 minute ride. Despite the terrible weather, there was still quite a turnout for the parade. We spent the first 45 minutes walking the streets and boardwalk searching for a dry place to stand and view the procession. Do you know how difficult it is to walk through a crowd of umbrellas with an umbrella without poking someone in the face, getting poked in the face or getting snagged on another umbrella? It is not possible. I challenge anyone who believes otherwise to try it and enjoy the barrage of face pokes both given and received.
We finally decided that we were stuck in the Great Umbrella Sea and took a spot in front of a giant speaker broadcasting at maximum volume the hokiest announcing of a parade ever. I was literally plugging one ear, peering through a slice of space between two umbrellas, all the while trying discipline my umbrella for it's penchant for pushing other umbrellas and face poking.
After what felt like an eternity, but was probably 15 minutes, I had had enough. Which is putting it mildly because I was on the verge of full blown panic attack: sweating, lightheaded, heart pounding, nauseous. No joke, my brain was screaming for me to get the hell out of Coney Island. I finally bolted leaving Erica and Mike to follow me through the crowd in search of a way back to the subway. After an extensive walk in circles in the rain, we resigned ourselves to the fact that we were indeed trapped in parade hell and would have to wait until the freak show finished before we could head home.
We set off on another extensive walk in circles searching for a safe, dry haven with a rest room. We found a dumpy bar filled with Coney Island memorabilia and confirmed that they had a restroom before ordering. Erica and I eventually made our way over to the bathroom line only to find out that you had to pay a dollar to use the one restroom, for which the line was at least 10 deep. Talk about adding insult to injury (and the injury is umbrella induced). We spent the next 20 minutes sandwiched between a drunk merman and his very irritated girlfriend and really loud trailer trash mermaid Barbie. Once that personal nightmare ended, we finished up our beers and Mike decided it was now time for him to get in line. (Steam coming out of ears). We spent the next 20 minutes receiving complaint texts from Mike about the pregnant lady who cut and his unfortunate position in the middle of a shouting conversation. When he was finished, the parade was finally over and we were able to navigate our way back to the subway. At one point, however, the crowd became so thick that I was secretly sure that I was going to get crushed against a chain link fence soccer stadium style. Mike seeing the panic in my eyes, kept shouting over his shoulder "It's much clearer up here, you're almost there!"
Am I a basket case or what? Regardless, I have never been so happy to be on the subway and we did have a great time ripping that day to shreds on the way home. So the takeaway from this blog should be if you are coming to visit us, don't let us convince you that Coney Island is worth seeing. Under no circumstances should you let us take you there. The weather will be terrible, the atmosphere depressing and the people generally creepy. If you love me or even mildly dislike me but wish me no ill will, please don't let me make this mistake again.
Ahhh, but we will always have the memories!
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