Grabbing Life by the Throat and Other Warped Analogies

I've often found myself thinking, wishing, and saying "I can't wait for the weekend" or "I wish it was Friday" or "If our vacation would just get here already" meanwhile completely ignoring the moment that I am standing in. I've had to train myself to stop and enjoy life instead of planning and scheduling the hell out of it and always looking forward to something better than whatever it is I am currently doing. It's been 6 months since we moved to New York and it's like I now want to make time stand still. If I could dig my heels into the earth and keep the seconds from ticking away so quickly I would. It's not because I am so present and conscious and joyful in each and every moment that I have transcended my former self and now live solely for today. I am nearly halfway done with school and I don't want it to be over. And even that statement is more complicated than it at first seems. I am really enjoying school. I am learning so much from my chefs and I'm getting everything I had hoped to out of this experience. But there are two reasons I want to put the brakes on the clock, the first being warm and fuzzy and the second born out of sheer terror. I'll start with the happy stuff. I am acutely aware of the fact that I am in the midst of an experience that will never again be duplicated in my life. I spend an inordinate amount of time with 22 other people, all at different stages of life, all with different personal histories that brought them to this point where our paths intersect and merge for this handful of months. Some of us have so little in common but school has bonded us in a way I didn't expect and am constantly grateful for. So, for that reason, I am not ready for school to end and for us all to go our separate ways and have different schedules that won't allow us to see each other all that often. I know we still have months to go and that when it's over, we will stay in touch, but right now, I am enjoying this moment and I don't want it to pass. The other, not so pretty reason, that I want to stop time is because I don't know what I am going to do after school. I know I am on the right path, I just have no clue where it is leading. I am interning at a restaurant, shadowing the sommelier/beverage director in addition to another unpaid position with a wine importer. None of these places are giving me that feeling of "YES! This is where I want to be and what I want to be doing every day!. I think both are good networking opportunities, but it feels like I still have a lot of doors to beat on before I open the right one. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is why I am here doing what I am doing, especially after working for free all day and going home tired and empty handed. Well, tonight I left with a beautiful bottle of Brunello, so not empty handed so much as empty pocketed. I am going to cook up something lovely for Mike to go with it to remind us of the anniversary we spent in Tuscany a few years back. (Secretly wishing for a time machine right now).

The source of all this yearning to bend the space-time continuum is that we have reached the six month mark as New Yorkers and it seems unreal. Time is zooming along and yet I feel like surely I have lived here longer than half of a year, right? So normally it would be time for another 30 things I've learned in 30 days, but since I am so mired in self reflection, I am just going to go with the 6 things I've learned in my 6 months here.

1. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know that I will recognize it when I see it and I feel it lurking somewhere close by but it is still eluding me. Believe this: when I catch a glimpse of it, I am going to grab it by the throat and choke the hell out of it.

2. Uncertainty makes me aggressive. See above.

3. I have the best husband in the world. See any past blog referencing Mike and you will understand why I make this statement. It's not that I didn't know this before, it's just that he continues to demonstrate it at a whole new level here in New York as we work toward my personal career goals. He gives me the worlds longest leash to pursue what I want and do what I want and often times I get myself tangled up around a tree and my own leg and then look at him expectantly for help. And that will be the last time I ever create an analogy that likens me to a dog.

4. I walk nearly every where and at least every 3 blocks I get smacked in the face with one of the following three smells: dog doo, bum pee, or rotting garbage. Despite being suckerpunched by stench, I love walking for so many reasons. 1. My jeans fit better. 2. Walking forces you to pay attention to what is around you and you are usually rewarded with either a thing of beauty or a little bit of crazy. 3. The breaks in between the bad smells are usually crisp fall air that just feels good to take in to your lungs until an MTA bus rolls by coughing out exhaust. Whatever the reason, I like using my own two legs to get somewhere.

5. I will never ever root for the Yankees. Even living here surrounded by Yankee caps, I take joy in seeing fans just after a brutal loss. There is no part of my cold heart that feels anything but glee. I hope that they collapse in the Bronx over the next couple of nights in monumental fashion so every paper in the city demonizes the Yankees big budget, Girardi's micro-managing and the organization as a whole. I would rather have the Yankees lose than this city smell like an English garden after a fresh rain. Just sayin'.

6. New York really is the greatest city in the world. This doesn't mean I will live here forever or that I don't appreciate the other places I've lived and visited. It just means that there are so few places on earth that you can find the kind of energy, beauty, vibrancy and flavor that abound here. And for the time being I am going to cling to it and squeeze (or choke) the best out of it.